...they mock me not. i suffered a blow too much. choke and acting like an idiot. you all drag me down the stairs as if i'm crazy. and i fell..and you left me to cry and vomitted on the floor. you left me to scream in pain.. and my heart burst.
you were all there, not daring to touch me. but to mock at my state. had you all at lweast tried to console me.. i would not go crazy.
i ran away... without a thing. barefooted all the way. i run. my foot hurts nothing more than my heart. they stared. the street every single person stared at me. strange wierd id ont care. i wanted hell. i mumble and mumble. and i seek help from him.
i bang hard on the door. his family ahowed so much concern in contrast to mine.
i cried even harder couldnt control myself anymore. couldnt even qns why.

there's no respect for anyone. vulgar vulgar vulgar. violence. rough. thats how it is. and the fucker elder sis of mine. what benevolent heart. a fake smile and all i hear her say is "shut up" and "sian of your crying" "i am so tired i tried so hard" she make it seems she is so responsible mature caring sis but using such words? bullshit if thats so, your so into your own world making everyone love you so. but your true colours show. have you even listen to my story? if u know how i bcome and know my vulnerable state would u hurl such harsh words at me. have you no brains. i would have slap you bcos i dont care. there's not even a single hint of sincerity in your words.

....its been a week since i ran away from home and stopped schlin; and i miss ma and pa and my dogs n cats.i really tried to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good person, i really tried. but why..are they so obsessed with themselves nvr considerign others feelings.if you truly care, i would sense it. and i would treat u jus the same. if u truly use ur heart to care i would never abandon u or reject u.

hurtful memories and verbal abuse pushing me over my limit. i collapse. it happened like always for the past 11 yrs or since i learnt to show awareness to my own emotions. others may hurt me accuse me for they know me not. but you of all who been there to hear me and cause my pain... i was shattered.

i told them, if u were there at my situation at every age of my life perhaps you might truly felt all this pain, and saw how i cry silently at night.
since pri sch.. i was left at other ppl house to be taken care of(so called nanny). i never really seen my parents or feel their presence.and now i wonder .. had they been in my life at all. i cant recall.
and you..my closest sis, stress me on every exam, pressuring me be it studies or anything in my life. i was never allowed to cry out loud or tear.

i tolerate alot of things for years. have u ever had your books tore?? photos torn and throw into your face? stand there like a fool and be scolded in public?
this and that, and that and this. how much more must i say to clear a name for myself and let them believe it wasnt jus a quarell that night anymore.

i am just something for you to vent your anger on. every day i tried to study but you threw your temper on me. every few years you apologise, u scolded me on my birthday, xmas, new yr, every occasion that i'm happy is spoilt by you. i forgave you time and time again bcos i truly love you..

thanks to wenqi...pouring my heart out to her and giving me hugs. and i know she understand for she knew what had been going on all along n had been there for me. and Joce who sms me so much helpin me stand by my faith. and kel, when i have nothing she replied "i have" and wanted to meet up... yun who waited me after sch today to listen to me. when i'm so terrified of schooling.even when i went back sch jus now since my absence.i really felt like crying i couldnt laugh at anything couldnt talk. i wanted to quit sch. but thanks i still have friends that show so much encouragement.. all the replies are askign me to stay at their house, help me with their studies. all of them.. i really have very very kind friends.. i thought they would not really understand my situation and persaude me to go home thinkin i'm silly or childish bcos of a quarell. but all of them jus ask me to go on a hols, come back study.

all these hurts doesnt come for a day. but has been acccumulating for years. yang has been there every moment and witness all my pain since we are together. his family are supporting me too. he was scared that i might so crazy, and showing so much so much love and concern for me.i know if i were like the past "alone"..i would have headed straight to hell.bcos i knew my life has no value bcos they had diminish it. i would never want to run away to hurt my mum and dad. i truly did it out of desperate moments.

i've been meeting mum and dad for some days. they may not understand. but mum has been kind and caring towards my health. persauding me to see a doc. got some muscle relax pills to help me sleep better.. he recommended counselling. i truly do not want to go crazy. the one who needs to see a doc is her. i wish.. she could see it herself.
ma and pa are old. i dont want to worry them. seeing how hard their life is now and then. my heart ache for them. promise mum i'll bring her to eat pizza after my prelims. bought new slippers for pa..see he wear the old shoes so pain. i wish he could jus take good care of his health and stop drinkign so much and take life less stressful.
i know mum take it easy. but she suffer the most. have to tolerate unreasonable customers, have bruise on her, blue black on her arm, hurt her back and at home.. have to tolerate all my siblings verbal abuse and shoutings.

i'm still nervous now. but i will work harder. i want to bring ma to KL after my A level. i want to treat her good with patience. i want to try... to heal myself.. and be a better person. i dont want to cry and die..anymore

i used to hide things in my heart. never sharing a single woe to ppl. bcos i always believe i could nvr make them understand. or rather not everyone are willing to listen and even if they did. they are never sincere. if u see me sad, would u ask why? maybe if u ask again, i might tell u. maybe i want to talk to u, would u give me a chance? be it friends or family. is the same. some ppl will always be just friends. but some will walk into your life and lend this helping hand. while others walk in and out and never stay.

i told Xcite bcos i truly treat him as a friend, i know its a bit late to tell him. but i jus want to let him know what has been going on. and now when i am much calmer to say it out. is hard to type all my feelings down. i can only say " i am depressed" but how many will feel what i've gone thru that night.. running on the road everywhere. how many will feel what i've gone thru for years.
every one.. have diff stories. and if you are my friend i wish to be part of ur pain n sorrows too. i want to hear u cry just like u heard mine, bcos i know this will strengthen our bond and trust for long i know.